Posts Tagged ‘The Conversation’

Forgot to Make New Year’s Resolutions? We Can Help

JANUARY 5, 2015 VOLUME 22 NUMBER 1

First we’d like to apologize for not getting this to you last week. We know how hard you were working to prepare some good New Year’s Resolutions. You wanted some that you could actually count on satisfying, that would really be beneficial, and that would make you sound like a mature, responsible adult. We have some; feel free to adopt them now, and assure friends and family that you actually signed them before New Year’s Eve.

Time for “the conversation”

Have you talked about end-of-life treatment issues with your family yet? No? This would be a good time to do that. Any time would be a good time to do that.

We have previously suggested Thanksgiving as a possible day to plan on “the conversation.” That suggestion still holds — but really, any day (holiday or not) would be a good day.

You say you don’t need to broach this unpleasant topic, because your family knows what you want? You’re wrong. They don’t, unless you tell them. They might guess, but they will be guessing. Their guesses will probably be more conservative than your actual wishes unless you give them permission — by telling them what you want.

In fact, you can go further than giving them permission. You can (and should) give them instructions. Tell them what you want, and put it in writing. Sign a living will, a health care power of attorney, or both (“both” is the best approach here).

It’s actually not even enough to sign the advance directives — you still have to have “the conversation.” Why? Because you’re not only telling the person you designated as your agent, you’re also telling the rest of the family. You are telling them what you want, that you’ve really thought about it, and that you really did mean to name your agent as agent. You’re heading off family disputes and possible disharmony. Did we mention that if your family doesn’t know for sure what you want, the result is likely to be more aggressive treatment than what you’d probably choose?

Here’s a radical thought: during the conversation you might also want to listen. You might be surprised to find out that some of your family members have strong feelings themselves. They might be persuasive, or at least give you more to think about.

One anecdote from our cases: some years ago, we dealt with the family of a woman who had signed advance directives. She had named her Arizona daughter as agent. She had expressly instructed that she be kept at home, even if her doctors thought she should be hospitalized or institutionalized. She made it explicitly clear that her entire savings should be exhausted, if necessary, in keeping her at home.

When she lost her capacity to discuss her preferences or reason with visitors, a long-estranged daughter arrived from out of town. She insisted that the local daughter must have persuaded Mom to sign the documents, hoping to be able to stay in Mom’s house as long as possible. She claimed that Mom would never have signed the documents if she had been in her right mind at the time.

The result? A non-family member was appointed as guardian temporarily, while an investigation was undertaken. The guardian, worried about possible liability, moved Mom to the nursing home — where she died a few weeks later, before the final court hearing.

Though Mom signed all the documents she should have, and made her wishes clear, the result was exactly what she did not want. What could she have done differently? If she had talked with (or at least written to) her estranged daughter, would the outcome have been different? Possibly — it seems like the most likely possibility. The lesson? Have the conversation, and include even those family members who will not be in charge of the decisions.

Update your estate plan

This would be a good time to pull out your old will and trust, review them, and schedule an appointment with your attorney. Has the law changed since you signed your will? Perhaps. But more importantly, has your life situation changed? Do your children (now in their 30s, or 40s) really need to have a guardian named, as they did when you signed your will twenty-five years ago? Have you moved, or changed your assets significantly? Are you the rare parent who correctly predicted each of your children’s future capabilities, needs and proclivities?

Once again, “my family knows what I would want” just won’t cut it. Believe us — we see lots of families in litigation over things that might seem trivial. Don’t think it will happen with your family, since everyone gets along so well? We hope that’s correct, but it has not been our experience.

Since you signed your will and trust, have you put one child on as joint owner of your bank account (to take care of things if “something happens”)? Have any of your children gotten divorced, or married, or had children? Do you still want the child who lived close to you fifteen years ago to be your executor and trustee, even though you’ve moved across the country to be near a different child? Have you signed an Arizona beneficiary deed after hearing a presentation, or listening to a friend? All of those things affect, and need to be taken care of in, your estate plan.

Another anecdote from our cases: last year we dealt with the estate of a fellow who moved to Arizona from another state. He had a trust and a will there, and he put his new Tucson home in the trust’s name. Apparently, though, he decided that his trust was now invalid, since he had moved from the other state to Arizona. So he made no changes.

Meanwhile, he got married. One of his children (named in his trust as a beneficiary) had become estranged. He tore up his will (it was invalid anyway, he thought). The result? His new wife ended up with his entire estate, as he apparently intended — but only after payment of several thousands of dollars of court costs and legal fees, and an opportunity for his estranged child to object (she didn’t, thankfully). Meanwhile, if he had talked with a lawyer before he died, he could have spent perhaps 1/10 of what it ultimately cost to take care of his estate.

Insurance update

Do you have enough (or too much) life insurance? How about long-term care insurance? Shouldn’t you talk with someone about your insurance status, and see what needs to be changed?

Long-term care expenses, particularly, have changed a lot in the last few years. Long-term care insurance is a maturing market, which means that older policies need to be revisited — and people who have not gotten around to looking into the policies should set aside some time to do so. Soon.

We don’t give insurance advice directly (except to advise people that they need to get more information). We recommend you talk with a trusted agent, and make sure they have your entire insurance picture. Right after you make that appointment to update your estate plan.

Need more ideas?

Not all of your New Year’s resolutions need to be about legal issues. Two years ago we gave you some other ideas, and we offer them up for your consideration again this time. You’re welcome.

New Thanksgiving Tradition to Consider: The Conversation

NOVEMBER 24, 2014 VOLUME 21 NUMBER 43

You’ve signed your health care power of attorney and your living will (maybe they were in the same document). You’ve given a copy to your doctor  and of course your lawyer kept a copy. Did you think you were done? Because you’re not.

Now it’s time to take care of the most important part of this process. Signing advance health care directives is important (you have gotten that part done, right? What??!! You haven’t? Get to it!). But perhaps more important than the documents is The Conversation.

You need to discuss your end-of-life health care wishes with family members. You need to include the person named as your health care agent. You also need to include the family members not chosen to make the decision. You do not want anyone arguing that “mom can’t possibly have meant to sign that” or “someone talked dad into signing that power of attorney when he didn’t really know what it meant.”

Do you want your wishes carried out? The surest way to accomplish that is to actually tell everyone in your family what those wishes are. Tell them where the documents are, and share copies. Answer their questions. Make sure they know that you know what you’ve signed, and what you want.

That’s the premise behind The Conversation Project, a non-profit organization founded by columnist Ellen Goodman. According to the Project, 60% of poll respondents say that it’s important to make sure they don’t burden their families with tough decisions at the end of life. Still, 56% say they have not talked with their families about their wishes. In our experience, we think that latter figure is inflated; people tell us they have talked with family members, but on closer questioning they usually have not.

When do you have The Conversation? We’re promoting (only half tongue-in-cheek) Thanksgiving Day as the perfect opportunity. The whole family has gathered together, the turkey is taking longer to cook than was planned — it all works to create the perfect opportunity. OK — we know you’re not likely to bring it up this Thanksgiving, but what about the rest of the family weekend?

Need help getting started? The Conversation Project has a conversation “starter kit” to do just that. It gives you some ideas about what to discuss and how to bring it up. Get copies of your advance directives together for The Conversation and just get going.

We hear you say: “my family knows what I want.” No, actually, they don’t. And some may “know” you want something different from what other family members know. How would they know if you don’t tell them? Mind reading? Osmosis? Please don’t assume they do just because they know you.

So this Thanksgiving, try The Conversation (not the Francis Ford Coppola movie starring Gene Hackman, though we also like that one). Not ready to do it that soon? OK, but schedule it, and mention it to your family, and get ready for it. Don’t just shelve The Conversation, thinking you’ll get back to it later.

In the meantime, please, have a healthy, productive and happy Thanksgiving holiday.

©2017 Fleming & Curti, PLC